Hospitality rider

When BLUEBEARD gets done with his show, he expects to have the following presented on a long table in his dressing room.
- 3 cans of squirt soda
- a number 11 from jimmy johns on sub bread
- a small dish of freshly made guacamole'
- some of those really crunchy tortilla chips that come in a green bag, the salted ones
- a few of those suckers he got on Halloween as a kid that were essentially colored spheres of pure sugar on a stick
- a Friday night fish fry with at least TWO extra helpings of fish, no coleslaw
- a hand made statue depicting BLUEBEARD putting a nationally known asshole in a headlock, and administering a completely fucking ruthless dutch-rub
- 3 forty ounce bottles of natural light brand beer
- one draft horse, feed him the natural light 20 minutes before the show ends
- a 2 square foot pot of dirt containing a large lawn hedge clipped to resemble one character from the film POOTIE TANG, must be at least 80 cm in height
- a blunt large enough to play cricket with (give at least one third of it to the horse)
- a glass boot filled nearly to the top with horchata
- a pillow case 1/3 full of barber clippings, and 4 bear shaped bottles of honey. One minute before BLUEBEARD walks into the room, cover yourself in all of the honey, and have someone else sprinkle the hair evenly over your near naked body. If you don't like this step of the rider then YOU SHOULD GET A NEW JOB, PLEBIAN!

All items with a dash in front of them are absolutely essential,
thanks for all your help,
:) :) :)
Bluebeard