le sigh
Sigh. They could have had another ticket sale, if only they did what everyone knew was right. I saw The fast and the furious, and it wasn't that bad. Oh, it was silly, but I can't help but like vin diesel. Maybe it's my inner alpha male identifying with his brute exterior, or maybe it's that fact that he is an action star who volunteered to pen a forward to the new edition of Dungeons and Dragons. I guess he was a pretty serious player when he was younger. Either way, as far as lighter fare (By which I mean FUcKING XXXTREMMEEE FARE!!1) goes, the fast and the furious was pretty much what you expected. It was satisfying, like cotton candy. It tastes so good, but you know it isn't actually good. But it is.
And then, a few summer ago, I fell into a crowd of foreign kids. That makes it sound bad, but it wasn't. I was working at a summer camp on schroon lake in upstate new york, and some of the counselors were really good people, but many were the types of kids who, in high school, made me wear black and have a silly haircut and scowl so hard I could strip the paint of a foot locker at a dozen paces. And as it turned out, my day off wasn't with any of my new friends, but instead with these sorry high school retreads. But, all of the foreign staff had the same day off as I did, so I fell in with their group. Most of the kids were from various parts of the UK, but there was also a guy from india, some australians, and a kiwi. They were all nice people, and we had a shit ton of great "oh man it's so different here" and "have you ever had a McGoolianzer bar? Oh shit, seriously? Wow, they're pretty good, I'll send you some when I get home" sorts of conversations.
Most of them had never been to america before, so they really wanted to get out and do something, anything, when we all went places on our weekends off. Sometimes we would just go walk around a mall, which couldn't have been that new to them, they must have had malls at home, but still. I totally understood the desire to immerse yourself in another culture, even the stuff that is commonplace to the locals.
Because of this, it seemed like their taste in movies left a bit to be desired. We saw a couple of good flicks, like pirates of the carribbean, and finding nemo - but I was also involved with some trips to the cinema for what seemed like no reason other than to say they had gone to four or five american movies while across the pond. And it was because of this that I was dragged (with physical force) to go see Charlie's angels 2, and 2 fast 2 furious.
2 fast 2 furious was not good. It was everything you needed for a shite-cock sequel. Stars left? Check. Dubious connection to first film? Check. Being totally and unabashedly bastard awful? Check. The one saving grace was the title. I thought the title was terribly clever, as far as clever titles that can work in the sequel's numerical assignment into the title go. And it was that night, when the theatre let out, that I made this promise to the world, and to all the people who had forced me to watch that pap. I declared "No matter how shitty the next one looks, No matter who stars in it, If they have the balls to name it 3 fast 3 furious, I will see that film in the theatre."
Fucking shit-ass fuck-ass bastards! Everyone knew that's what they should have called it. Never has the name of a sequel been so clearly needed, so obviously the best and only choice possible. Fucking 3 Fast, 3 furious. Say it aloud, it rolls of the tongue - no - it embraces your tongue in a velvet sheath. 3 fast. mmmmmmm.
BUT NO. They let me down, they lost a highly valuable ticket sale, and an unwitting franchise participant. Well listen here, directors and producers, and other high level decision makers behind fast and the furious, tokyo drift. You can eat my ASSHOLE, you complete cowards. You had a job, AND YOU FAILED AT IT.
FAILED!!!!
And then, a few summer ago, I fell into a crowd of foreign kids. That makes it sound bad, but it wasn't. I was working at a summer camp on schroon lake in upstate new york, and some of the counselors were really good people, but many were the types of kids who, in high school, made me wear black and have a silly haircut and scowl so hard I could strip the paint of a foot locker at a dozen paces. And as it turned out, my day off wasn't with any of my new friends, but instead with these sorry high school retreads. But, all of the foreign staff had the same day off as I did, so I fell in with their group. Most of the kids were from various parts of the UK, but there was also a guy from india, some australians, and a kiwi. They were all nice people, and we had a shit ton of great "oh man it's so different here" and "have you ever had a McGoolianzer bar? Oh shit, seriously? Wow, they're pretty good, I'll send you some when I get home" sorts of conversations.
Most of them had never been to america before, so they really wanted to get out and do something, anything, when we all went places on our weekends off. Sometimes we would just go walk around a mall, which couldn't have been that new to them, they must have had malls at home, but still. I totally understood the desire to immerse yourself in another culture, even the stuff that is commonplace to the locals.
Because of this, it seemed like their taste in movies left a bit to be desired. We saw a couple of good flicks, like pirates of the carribbean, and finding nemo - but I was also involved with some trips to the cinema for what seemed like no reason other than to say they had gone to four or five american movies while across the pond. And it was because of this that I was dragged (with physical force) to go see Charlie's angels 2, and 2 fast 2 furious.
2 fast 2 furious was not good. It was everything you needed for a shite-cock sequel. Stars left? Check. Dubious connection to first film? Check. Being totally and unabashedly bastard awful? Check. The one saving grace was the title. I thought the title was terribly clever, as far as clever titles that can work in the sequel's numerical assignment into the title go. And it was that night, when the theatre let out, that I made this promise to the world, and to all the people who had forced me to watch that pap. I declared "No matter how shitty the next one looks, No matter who stars in it, If they have the balls to name it 3 fast 3 furious, I will see that film in the theatre."
Fucking shit-ass fuck-ass bastards! Everyone knew that's what they should have called it. Never has the name of a sequel been so clearly needed, so obviously the best and only choice possible. Fucking 3 Fast, 3 furious. Say it aloud, it rolls of the tongue - no - it embraces your tongue in a velvet sheath. 3 fast. mmmmmmm.
BUT NO. They let me down, they lost a highly valuable ticket sale, and an unwitting franchise participant. Well listen here, directors and producers, and other high level decision makers behind fast and the furious, tokyo drift. You can eat my ASSHOLE, you complete cowards. You had a job, AND YOU FAILED AT IT.
FAILED!!!!
posted by Bluebeard at 7:54 AM
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