Pranks: The trifecta

Revenge. Sweet sweet revenge. I truly hold the concept of revenge being best served ice cold close to my heart. I don't need to see the results of a well timed revenge scheme to sleep a little better at night. This is the trifecta of pranks, the relationship enders. The pranks that you should only pull if you have a self defense plan ready.

Powdered milk

This prank is terrible. I'll be the first to admit it. This was told to me with the explicit instructions to forget who told it to me, so if I ever got caught and beaten severely for it, no shit would trickle down to the source. And I tell you all the same thing. You have to have some level of access to the persons house if you are going to pull this prank. Take some powdered milk into the target's bedroom, and pull off the comforter, and the top sheet.

--Now. There are a few ways to proceed from here, maybe you are putting the pieces together. It would be best if you could have the milk on top of the fitted sheet, but unless your target is drunk as a lord, or the sheets are white as snow, they'll probably notice a bitch-load of powdered milk scattered over their bed. An acceptable alternate method is to put a lot more of it under the fitted sheet. This will work if your target is a man (who will sweat a lot) or depending on the season, the air conditioning situation in the house, and the weather.--

If everything works as planned, then things will proceed as such. The target will go to bed and go to sleep. Like everyone else, they will sweat a bit in their sleep. This sweat will mix with the powdered milk and turn into milk. This milk will sit on their skin for the whole night and sink into their pores. Once there, body heat will cause the milk to curdle in their pores. They will smell like curdled milk, and since it is in their pores, it won't be easy to wash out, so they will smell like rotten moldy death for a while, maybe over a week.

This is not to be used lightly, It is the nuclear option in my personal prank arsenal, the atomic solution. Although if you want to do it a little quicker, more on the sly, put a healthy dose of powdered milk in the end of someone's shoes. Their feet will stink like bullshit for weeks, and they will lose exactly one pair of shoes. This version is almost foolproof, because really - who looks in their shoes before putting them on? Rio-grande cowboys looking for scorpions? OK, they are exempt from this, but everyone else is fair game.

Milk-Chicken bomb

Requirements:
-intimate access to someone's home
-said home to have central heating

Sometime in the fall, before the heat is turned on for the year, but after air conditioning season is our time to act. Take a quarter dark of raw chicken, or a whole breast and wing (whatever you want as long as it isn't pre skinned/boned- the gristle and fat is what you need) and put it in a mason jar with about a cup and a half of whole milk in it. Screw the lid on tightly. Make very sure that the seal is set as firmly as it can be.

If they have central heating, then they have vents all over the house. Find one of these vents and remove the metal cover. Depending on the location of the vent, what is past the wall may be of use, or it may not. We are looking for a place set well back from the wall, where a small mason jar can be comfortably placed. The farther away from the wall, and the closer we can get to the source of the heat, the better off we are. About two or three feet back from the wall should suffice.

Now. I've never done this, so I can't speak with authority. As far as my research can determine, the bomb will detonate in either A) one week, B) one month, or C) 3 months. I imagine it has to do with how much milk and chicken are in your bomb, and the exact ratio you have used. Anyway. What will happen eventually is that the mix will create enough gas for the glass jar to crack open, or the lid to pop off, and the smell that would come out would be totally unbearable. Especially if you have timed it right, and it pops in the winter, in the heat vent, causing the smell to be blown into and throughout the house. There is a good chance the house will become temporarily uninhabitable while the bomb's remains are located.

If the powdered milk prank was my atomic option, then this is the hydrogen bomb. Created and discussed, but never used out of fear of the global repercussions. You can adapt this to your needs. I guess it doesn't NEED to be in the heating vent, if you can find somewhere similarly out of the way. And it doesn't need to be limited to just chicken and milk, if you wanted to drop a turd into the mix it probably wouldn't fuck it up. If you want to get a car, put it in the spare tire cavity, under the carpet flap. Or in an office you could put it in the ceiling if the tiles are the right kind. I guess if you were the worst bastard in the whole world you could smash a hole through some drywall, put it in the wall, then plaster, and paint over the hole. That would require some serious time to pull off, but imagine the results. Oh god, imagine them.

Assed toothbrush

Keeping with my military analogy, this would be the assassination with a large rifle option. A direct and unambiguous attack towards one individual.

Get a hold of the toothbrush of the offending party, it helps if it is early in the life cycle of this toothbrush, or if your target is known to infrequently change their brush. Put the toothbrush in your asshole, and take a picture of it in there. This may seem like a small punishment for you, but remember, no pain, no time delayed gain. Take a second picture of the toothbrush back in the place where they keep it, after you rinsed off any easily sighted dingleberries. If you want to let them know who did this, make this second picture of you smiling and holding up their toothbrush.

Give them the picture a few weeks, months, or years later.
Remember, best served ice cold.